At the end of a long task, hard day, or challenging triumph, you may be prevailed upon by a straight person for a high five. Generally, it’s a raised open palm facing you, often accompanied with a smile and an expectation that you do the same and move your respective hands toward each other quickly, resulting in a smacking sound.

Ironic or plainly uncoordinated versions mean that the hands do not meet, but may humorously or confusingly pass by each other.

Rocko’s Modern Life, an animated TV show that used to be on Nickelodeon, has an episode called The High Five of Doom, in which aliens that look like one of the characters decimate the earth’s population via, you guessed it, high fives.

If you are offered a high five by a hetero, be sure to match the spirit in which it is offered. They will love you.

If you hear someone use the word “partner” in casual conversation, you may be tempted to think that you have found someone queer nearby. Do not, under any circumstances, assume this. Statistically speaking, you have a greater than 87% chance that what you have found is a straight person attempting to demonstrate how queer-conscious they are around other liberal straight people.

Hetero people love using the word “partner” to describe their current boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. Especially around non-hetero people. It signifies that they’re conscious of gay people – hey, they have a gay friend – and that they understand why “partner” is preferred, even over the word “spouse” if they’re married. It’s hip to be partnered. It’s inclusive. It’s gay. It’s cliché. And if there’s one thing hetero folks love above all else, it’s reproducing a cliché out of irony and/or ignorance.

Furthermore, the chance of a hetero using a non-ambiguous signifier to state the gender of their preferred love-mate within two sentences of using the word “partner” approaches unity: that is to say, it is practically guaranteed. To continue using “partner” without reference to a gender or non-ambiguous name would confuse the people the hetero individual is trying to impress by using the term. Both heterosexuals and queers will begin to think that the speaker may, in fact, be a non-heterosexual sodomite. This would go against a penultimate goal of heterosexuality: to appropriate and subsume queer culture so long as no one actually confuses a heterosexual for being queer.

Compare and contrast this behavior to the hetero use of the phrase, “…I’m not gay, but…” and the rising incidence of metrosexuality and kinky sex among heterosexual communities.

(image source: flickr)

If it’s ever a hot, humid, sunny day, look around you. The hetero women will be decked out in bikinis, but the hetero men will be wearing board shorts. Board shorts, for those of you unfamiliar with them, are longer swimming trunks that go down to the knee, if not past them. (Board shorts are especially inclined to go past the knee for the hetero variety that wear boxers underneath their board shorts and wear the shorts low on the butt.)

Board shorts are the chosen swimming and warm weather apparel of most US American hetero males. You will rarely, if ever, see a hetero male wearing a speedo, square cut shorts, or a thong in public. The reasons for this are all speculative. One theory is that, while hetero males are happy showing off their torso, they are shy about showing off too much leg or skin that is close to their “vulnerable areas.” Showing off one’s inner thigh in America is considered too gay or too European. Perhaps the fear about revealing too much male skin comes from the hetero belief that women’s bodies are beautiful while male bodies are gross or disturbing (which also explains, in part, the high percentage of female nudity in hetero art compared to male nudity).

Board shorts are hetero male’s greatest opportunity to show some flair. While the image here is of simple red board shorts, this style of swimming trunks come in a variety of colors and designs. If you see some particularly flamboyant designs on a hetero male’s board shorts, do not be confused. This person would probably not wear a similar design on his every day pants. While speedos are considered gay, purple floral designs on board shorts are, interestingly enough, not.

You might occasionally see a hetero male wearing other, more revealing swimming apparel. Do not be misled: this is generally not because the hetero male is comfortable with his sexuality or his body. This is probably an ironic joke: “Look how silly it is for a man to wear a speedo.” Hetero males are especially fond of wearing speedos or short shorts when they are dared or when there is a silly game involved.

(image source: flickr)

Hetero folks love Will Ferrell. He is, according to most straight folks, god’s gift to comedy. From his childish antics in Old School to his lady-playing childish antics in The Wedding Crashers, Will Ferrell is considered gold when it comes to comedies.

Despite his propensity for playing the exact same character in every movie, heteros think that Ferrell is an A-list actor. If you find yourself watching a Will Ferrell movie with a hetero person, be sure to be quiet, or you will be told, “Shhh… This line is really funny.” This is especially true if Ferrell, or his best friend in the movie, is about to do something especially straight, immature, or sexist. A Ferrell movie is bound to be laced with homosexual undertones, as Ferrell and his best friend tend to bond over their mutual pursuit over women and deny their own homosocial desire, but do not point this out to a hetero fan. He or she will certainly be confused and consider this another case of you seeing everything as “gay.”

If you find yourself at a loss for a topic of conversation with a hetero, bringing up the latest Will Ferrell movie is always a good move. It doesn’t matter if you have seen it or not. We strongly suggest just renting an older Ferrell movie, sitting down with drinks, and getting the gist of it. Drinks will certainly help you cope. Your hetero acquaintance will probably have seen the most recent movie; just nod and talk in generalities about Ferrell’s performance. Be prepared to fake a laugh when they quote a Ferrell movie.

(image source: wikipedia)